In 1992, the song Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant came out. I was six years as a birth parent, and the first time I heard it, it hit me hard. I think I sat and cried for about an hour. That song always puts tears in my eyes because it so accurately portrays the fear of facing an unexpected pregnancy and the need for help, love and support.
I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
These words remind me of how, at that time in my life, I found myself praying more than I ever had for help and guidance. These lines took me right back to feeling so scared about being pregnant, and feeling so alone, in a cold world where people were judging me. I never felt as alone as I did then.
Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place
These words spoke to me as well, as I knew that a wiser woman should parent my son, because I was not in a place in my life that I could be the mother he deserved.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
These lines may have hit me the hardest, because during that time, I struggled with thoughts of suicide. I simply did not know how I was going to face it, face my family, face my own child. I didn’t want to be this person, in that body, with this enormous responsibility. I didn’t want to be. I truly needed help, not just to be strong and make the right decisions, but to be alive! The desperation in those two last words, “help me,” reach deep into my soul still. The rhythmic chords that follow are like a heartbeat… life does go on. The words, “breath of heaven,” remind me of how I had to just keep breathing.
A friend referred me to a birth parent counselor who helped me. It was a scary time, but I found I had support, from my friends, my family, and my prayers. I made the best decision I could for my child and for myself, and I made a couple’s dream of being parents come true. I hope when you hear this song, it reminds you not only of Mary, but of the many women who have walked this path as well.
If you are pregnant and considering your options, contact LSS today at 888-201-5061, or online.